things i’ve learned this spring part three

(pictures from here.)

that i miss common sense as often found in norway.

that cooking for someone makes me put in more effort, and it makes me not only eat bread and peanut butter all the time, and

i don’t know if i could live alone, BUT if i did i think i’d need a lot of rules and set plans. otherwise i’m scared i’d never see anyone.

i can’t wait to see my clothes in norway. they feel like old friends, and another life, in which i don’t only wear singlets and boys’ shorts. 

(and i miss having a fashion blog.)

what i spend my day on (if i let myself) is cooking, exercising, cooking more and more, cleaning a little bit, writing and reading. and then i have to force myself out of the house to interact with other human beings.

i am always, always so in awe of people around me: the barista who remembers my name (when i guiltily admit i can’t recall his); the handwritten letter i receive in return, clearly written with a beautiful and expensive pen on soft and thick paper, carefully selected words; the immediate concerns of those around me when i dare express a slight turn of mood away from the normal; my siblings, who are so funny and so great, and infinitely more mature and emotionally balanced than i am; 

and life.

and that to do something every single day is incredibly rewarding.

and something else that’s rewarding: finally finishing the large and physically heavy book you’ve attempted twice before, but now you have it, and it almost makes you cry with joy.

knowing more and more that food is a science and an incredible source of satisfaction, beauty and experiences.

things i’ve learned so far this year pt. II

(photo by me. the making of the art)

how to make parsnip latkes.

if something doesn’t work or breaks, it doesn’t really matter, and you don’t need to buy a new version or edition of it; wear socks on your hands instead of gloves, keep your backpack closed with a belt, and make notes on tea bags.

how to begin to think about excessive guilt and painfully exaggerated conscience, and 

to tell someone something as honestly as I can without being upset;

that something can feel wrong because it isn’t beautiful—

where the limits of propriety can lie for me, and where they perhaps could lie.

what my internal, biological challah-rhythm is (when the freezer begins to look half-full, mostly void of plastic bags with frozen bread, rolls, pastries…).

that home can be something very private and sacred i often want to keep to myself, and

that i need to take days off, and that this doesn’t make me a very productive person by my american standards. i love weekends and holidays a little too much, because they make work joyful, too.

that more people care about and love you than you might think.

(more of the art being in the made)

so far this spring!

this spring (so far) i have learned how to

..correctly steam an artichoke (20-35 minutes w/a crushed clove of garlic, slice of lemon, bay leaf)

..make the best hollandaise sauce i have ever tasted (sorry dad)

..ask people to teach me things that i want to learn (like how to stand on my hands, how to stretch the muscles in my middle and upper back, juggle, make chinese food (one day…), and use my laptop with accuracy and determination)

..charm your bike maintenance people in such a manner that they tighten your brakes (and you didnt even ask for it)

..sit still

..magically make anger disappear (my own—other’s i don’t know about); and I'm still working on this

..prefer to live without internet and with a crappy phone

A series of Short Poems about Time

photo signe

I'm thinking about time, and it seems impossible to me.

Perhaps it's just growing up in the Western world and thus being imparted with an infallible linear sense of time (although we all know it doesn't feel this way, I'm thinking of my life as an arrow being thrown, only to arrive--due thanks to Anne Carson, at least as of late).

Or maybe it's something else, like the fact that all my days seem the same (sometimes), and whenever there's a slight break in the monotony I'm deadly scared and freeze up; "you look so uncomfortable, are you alright? Are you going home already?". This I only deal with by going home--perhaps I stand by the kitchen bench in my underwear thinking through the several factors that brought me here, and I feel sort of stagnant. 

I'm thinking about time and wondering why Sundays are so slow, and if I experience anything anew anymore, and what memories I'm making. Taking one step... it seems so easy.

I'm thinking about my thesis, and it bores me to death. I'm thinking about my thesis (again), and it's new, and now it doesn't bore me--it excites me and thrills me and I am scared and terrified of showing it because it seems barer than anything else I've put out.

I'm wondering if I'm getting more accustomed to the world, and how we try (I try) constantly to think outside my head--to not be used to myself or to anything around me. A big part of my simply thinks I need to finish school (for now) and be able to take control over my time, my life and my projects, whereas another voice is telling me that it is now that counts. If it can't happen now it can never happen. 

Is there always this internal strife? Am I ever happy with my mind as it is?

It seems like those times are when I have decided to write something new and discard the old, and then I don't want to go to bed at my usual hour and I'm fine with less sleep in quantity and quality--those are the hours days minutes when I forget about time and I forget to look at the clock and suddenly am surprised by the bright lights of my computer and how tired my brain is. 

No, I'm not tired of anything, really, but there are things I'm used to 

that I don't want to be used to.

Some nights ago I dreamt, and smell was in my dreams for the first time in my life (that I can remember.) 

It felt like a revelation (relevation?) of sorts.

I must also procure an entire chorus (homogenous, preferably, representing my milieu, or imaginary environment) somehow.

The eve is long and I end this abruptly as it seems I do with all things--where this tendency comes from I don't

with the image on top? I don't know.

Sånn skal det være, sier de, men jeg vet ikke alltid om det ordner seg eller ikke

Det er pussig hvordan ting endrer på seg. Hvordan tanker og følelser plutselig slår seg helt om sånn at du blir usikker på om du skar en grimase eller ikke--hva om den blir der for resten av livet ditt? Du tenkte du visste hva som var nord og hva som var sør--det er jo tross alt bare å se på kompasset!--men så viser det seg at du tok helt feil! På en eller annen måte. Når du ser deg tilbake er alt forandret og ingenting det samme, selv om det virket som om hver dag var relativt lik den forrige.

Ei heller er jeg flink på blogging, innser jeg nå! Skriver litt her, litt der, og så sier jeg til meg selv at jeg skal gjøre det skikkelig, lære meg å kode, wordpress, bladibla! 

Meg i New York våren i 2014, med Frog King Kwok som er Kinas første dokumenterte performancekunstner, fant jeg nettopp ut! Wow. Kult. 

Så saken er at jeg snart er ferdig på skolen, og 4 år som det SNART har vært, for en bachelorgrad, har på en måte gått fort og på mange måter veldig sakte. Her er noen ting jeg tenker på:

- Jeg har vært misfornøyd i store deler av oppholdet mitt i Chicago, eller snarere, jeg har aldri følt meg som hjemme er. Er dette min feil? Kanskje. Men jeg er også lei av å hele tiden skylde på meg selv som ikke klarer å tilpasse meg. Semesteret jeg tilbrakte i New York var det beste i hele bachelograden min, og det har overbevist meg om at miljøet jeg er i er utrolig viktig. Det er klart jeg kan endre på innstillingen min, men jeg kan OGSÅ endre på hvor jeg befinner meg! Så etter dette semesteret stikker jeg! For godt, tror jeg, fra Chicago! Hasta la vista, baby, du er ikke byen for meg! Ingen av mine barn skal vokse opp i deg, jeg skal ikke utsette dem for ekstreme skiller på bakgrunn av hudfarge eller gammel overindustrialisert by hvor jeg må reise min. 1 time for å se vennene mine eller spille capoeira angola! Jeg vil til et mindre sted! Natur! Andre språk enn engelsk! Oversiktlighet! Penger til kunstnere! En følelse av fellesskap!

- Visumet mitt utgår i slutten av mai, og før det har jeg et par uker ledig. Kanskje jeg tar toget til San Fransisco (52 timer hver vei, himmel og hav for et stort land!) eller sykler med telt et par uker for å utforske bredden av Michiganvannet? Vi får se. Det blir farvel til Statene for denne gang.

- Etter at alt er klappet og klart, leiligheten pakket og flyturen til Norge bestått har jeg INGEN anelse om hva jeg skal gjøre, bortsett fra å muligens reise med en venninne (som jeg ikke vil fortelle om ennå). Jeg har tenkt på å få meg en jobb og så forsøke å leve som en vanlig person med jobb og bittesmå ansvar og sikkert være nederst på rangstigen en stund. Tidligere tenkte jeg at jeg skulle søke på residenser og stipend og prosjekter osv osv osv, og det vil jeg fortsatt! Men ikke nå. IKKE NÅ, sier jeg! Jeg vil fullføre her med et brak (eller kanskje et lite kaputt?) og fokusere på det, og det føles overilt og overveldende om jeg i tillegg skal tenke på fremtiden når jeg ikke vet hvor jeg vil være, hva jeg vil drive med eller hvordan jeg vil gjøre det. Det føles riktig.

Meg i superundertøy i leiligheten i New York våren 2014. Oh yes.

Nå har jeg altså et par måneder igjen her, og jeg tror de kan bli veldig spennende på mange måter. Noe kommer til å skje som ikke vil skrive om. J og jeg skal endelig begynne å møblere leiligheten. Jeg har bestilt BILLIGE, organiske og lokalproduserte grønnsaker som skal komme på døra hver uke i håp om å gjøre matbudsjettet mitt bittelittegranne mindre! Jeg svømmer, og sykler fortsatt, selv om det er is på veien. Føler meg veldig badass. Jeg studerer kristendom på skolen, og naturfag, sammen med kunst såklart.

Og så får vi se hva som kommer etter det. Det ordner seg nok.

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