This is a thought, or the beginning of a thought, which has been brewing since I came home from Japan, since something happened that I didn't expect to happen, and I have lived in Oslo for an entire month. Life has changed and I am scared at how easy it feels to say that time flies, even though it does, and I have a sense that I don't really know what I'm doing although I try my hardest to be a Responsible Adult Person. I cook food to last me the entire week, I buy almost nothing (except a lot of stuff for my bicycle... but she's my baby and she deserves it) and I freeze bread, bacon in portion sizes, soup made from homegrown potatoes and Jerusalem artichoke to eat later. I am Responsible and it feels incredibly strange and slightly fake, like plastic.

How we live our lives as adults, how things become commonplace, how we get used to even the strangest behavior and acquire habits that probably began as accidents, randomness takes holds and grows roots, echoes throughout our lives. I have a studio which I don't know how to use and which I am afraid to abuse. I clean and I love it. I try to keep everything tidy and neat and in its place. I worry that I only make things that are easy and so I am daring myself to make something very intimate, but which I am very, very afraid to show, and which I'll probably hide from anyone coming to visit the studio. I tell myself that there are things I must do in each day, otherwise the day somehow doesn't count, and is this a normal thing for an adult person? To simply try to make some rules, but then being afraid, with very good reason, that the rules are completely arbitrary? I don't live by the law of God, so surely what I do must be completely random.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Perhaps only this: that I am conscious of making habits in these early twenties that result from something arbitrary, from volatility and haphazardness. What if I don't become the person that I want to be? Or what if I become something I have no control over simply because of missing the train that one day? Meeting this specific person? Waking up too early? Well, that's how that is.